Use Your Words
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“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” - Brené Brown
A friend said this to me a long time ago, and it has stayed with me: Use your words.
We often say this to children when we want them to express what they are feeling instead of melting into tears, frustration, or a tantrum in aisle seven. But in my experience, children are often better at saying what they mean than adults are. They are not usually wondering if the timing is right, if they are being too much, if the other person will understand, or if they should just hint around and hope someone magically figures it out.
Adults, however, can become very skilled at not using our words.
We sigh. We withdraw. We make a little comment that is not really little. We expect someone to know what we want, what hurt us, what disappointed us, or what we need next. Then we feel even more hurt when they do not know.
“Use your words” is an invitation to owning your own side of the story and the conversation. The rest belongs to the other person.
It does not mean being harsh. It does not mean saying every passing thought out loud like a toddler. It means speaking clearly, kindly, and directly. Say what is true for you without blaming, shaming, or expecting the other person to read your mind.
Today, as many times as you can, use your words.
When you are thinking or feeling something that can be voiced, say it. Say it with kindness. Say it without judgment of yourself or the other person. Say it before it hardens into resentment.
For example: Upset that your partner or friend started scrolling on their phone while you were telling a story? Instead of getting mad or walking away, say earnestly, “Hey, I want to tell you something, and I’d love your full attention for a minute.”
Then let it go. You have used your words. You have done your part. You did not make a scene. You did not swallow it and stew. You simply told the truth in a clear and respectful way. Now the ball is in their court.
Encourage the people around you by setting an example. And when someone you love is circling the truth but not landing on it, you can gently say, “Use your words.”
It may be one of the kindest invitations we can offer each other.